Life in the Raw

As my father-in-law slows down to the end of his life, I have conflicting thoughts. This may tie into my lack of compassion post; maybe not.

I’m sitting beside Robert as he struggles to stay alive. My mind wonders. When will I be on the beach again? I’m watching Modern Family, pretty funny. I took Hattie home because she felt ill. I would like a beer. I miss my dog. We haven’t got to hang out much this week. But then, here’s Robert dying.

I think I struggle with compassion but I’m not sure what I’m struggling with.

As my mind wanders, I worry about my wife and the rest of the family. Everyone will handle the end differently.

I’m sitting in my car taking a break and listening to the Eagles Desperado.

My struggle is that this is a man that has modeled life in a fashion I’ve never experienced. He was steady and never excitable. He was always focused. His attention to detail was amazing to me. I felt like a bum in the presence of a master.

But here we are in ICU watching the clock. Outside of the miracle I’m praying for, there’s just time.

My wife is sleeping in the waiting room and I’m in my car now listening to the Eagles. “There’s Gonna be a Heart Ache Tonite”. My comfort for the moment.

There are very few people I’ve learned life lessons from: my ex’s father John Reaves, my dad Billy Murray Sr., and Robert Gatlin.

All lessons from these days forward are unforeseeable.

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