Dealing With My Past…again

Ok…crazy time. As I was sitting quietly I was reminded of the most obscure memory from childhood. It is a recurring memory but I’ve never think much about it other than I was a stupid kid. Today it had a surprisingly different meaning.

I was around five years old and had a plastic gun that I loved. It wasn’t one of those cheap plastic guns. It had a little weight to it and had a good solid CLICK when you pulled the trigger. Well, I lost it. Or I should say, it disappeared. I had three sisters and was convinced someone knew where it was. Days and weeks went by and I never found it. Eventually I gave up on ever finding it.

Then, late one night while everyone in the house was sound asleep, I woke straight up and knew where it was. I flicked the light on and started dumping toys out of the toy box onto the floor. Me and my sisters slept in bunk beds in one room so everybody woke up. Eventually my mom came in the room to see what was going on. My mom was trying to get me to go back to bed but I wouldn’t be stopped. I remember everybody just looking at me. The thing is I had never seriously looked in the toy box because the majority of the stuff in it belonged to my sisters. I kind of kept my select toys separate. And, there it was. Like gold in the collection of dresses, dolls and stuff animals.

Now it makes sense. I’ve been that way since I was a kid. There are things in my mind that need closure or understanding. They’re always hanging out there in the unsolved mysteries part of my brain waiting to be processed. They are constantly recalled and reprocessed by my brain to see if there’s any new relevant information. Here’s an example…

My wife and I will have a conversation. I will make one up. Let’s say we’re talking about the Disney cruise we took a few years back. We went to Cancun and the Grand Bahamas. In the Bahamas we hired a boat and went out site seeing. The young guy that rented the boat came from a family with a long history of boaters. I couldn’t think of the guys name right now for a million dollars. My wife has a steel trap brain and I’m sure knows the guys name off the top of her head. But let’s say in this instance she can’t remember either. We try to think of it but eventually give up and go on in our conversation.

Fast forward to a future date where me, my wife and maybe others are hanging out talking about the Bahamas. Later, everyone’s moved on to talking about their kids. But I am stuck on the Bahamas because there’s some unfinished business there. I don’t remember immediately what it was but then I remember…what was that boat guy’s name? I will look at my wife and say out loud, in the middle of the kid discussion and say “His name was John”. I don’t realize what I’ve done until the table goes quiet and everyone looks at me. Then I know I’ve done it. I found it! In the pile of soccer feats, birthday parties and 6th grade graduations, I found John!

These don’t happen too frequent, but I have many similar internal resolutions in the middle of random, unrelated thought processes.

So what? Sometimes I feel less human when I have these episodes. I feel like something is wrong with me. Today, making the connection with the gun makes me feel better because I feel like God made me that way. I’ve always been that way and won’t change. There are a lot of characteristics I have that frustrate me but I am comfortable knowing that God made me completely unique and no one else needs to understand, nor do I have to feel guilty because others don’t understand.

Another connection made!

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