Big Loser

I set out on my Tuesday routine: dropped the kids off at piano lessons and went to Starbucks to read. It’s a smaller Starbucks with a sitting area that is probably a total of 30 square feet. There were about ten people in there when I sat down in one of their fat chairs.

From my fat chair I had a view of the whole place. Already at the table at 3 o’clock were two middle eastern guys working on laptops. It looked like one of those backroom scenes from The Social Network where the guys had been up all night drinking and feverishly writing code. At 12 o’clock were two girls with their laptops out working on something together but more relaxed and and less time sensitive. The two newcomers who sat at the 1:30 o’clock table were guys who looked like they worked out and hung out at bars for a living. These guys completely distracted me from my book.

To best describe them I’ll compare them to the bulldog and chihuahua: one big, loud, musclehead and the other a big-loud-musclehead wanna be. Big dude was doing all the talking and little dude not saying much or saying it so quietly I couldn’t hear him. His back was to me so that’s a good possibility.

When they came in there was a little confusion between the two of them on where they would be sitting. This is what caught my attention. Big went out the door to the patio and Smalls sat down at a table by the door going outside. Big came back in on his cell walked past Smalls and then came back and sat down. I’ve been robbed at gunpoint twice and weird behavour like this stands out.

As soon as Big’s butt hit the chair he fired up his mouth and it ran the whole time. I think he felt it was important that everyone in Starbucks be in tune with what’s going down in his world. After a stream of loud talk he would exclaim something even louder “MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!” and drop back into another semi-loud string of sentences and then later “OH, MAN!!”. I was unable to read but instead decided to fake reading while watching and listening to the entertainment. I discerned his stories where more for the benefit of the two girls sitting next to them at the 12 o’clock table. He went on about his eBay and Craig’s list business, dropping dollar amounts occasionally, “the $20,000 check was deposited finally….”. He talked about his driving skills and how he straightens out those who don’t do business the way he expects. He covered all the points that a shallow female might cling to in order to overcome his Jethro Bodine IQ and social skills.

Even though the girls were a foot and a half from their table they were not biting or even paying attention so he took a more direct approach “Hey, do I know you?” to the prettier of the two, who’s back is toward me but facing his direction. I can see the other girls face, the one he can’t see which was a beautiful thing to watch. She had little smirks from time to time and then long hard stares at her laptop almost like she was trying not to make eye contact with player number two: Smalls. Behind the girls was a guy in another fat chair facing me. He looked at me as if to say “do you want to join me in shutting this guy up?”. I looked at him as if to say “Why? He’s committing social hari kari and I want to watch”. In the meantime Bigs felt compelled to let this girl know that he normally only drinks coffee when he wakes up but today he woke up late(it’s after 5pm). This rounds out all the comments needed to let these girls know he has a life of ease.

After a few loser comments to try to lure the girl into a deeper relationship she nailed the door shut, “nice talking to you”. That was classic! Not only did she nail it shut but she put the nail square in his forehead for all of Starbucks to hear. I almost jumped up and screamed “YES!”. A touchdown celebration would have felt good too.

So, they got up shortly after that(very shortly after) and left. It was time for me to leave which would lead me right into part two of my episode with Big and Smalls. I am pulling out of the drive when a black Mustang punches it around the corner to cut in front of me into the right of two turning lanes to go south to which I responded by going to the inside turning lane. As we both turned left he spead ahead and moved into my lane to cut me off again. Not to be out done I quickly pulled into the right lane passed him(looking over I identified Big and Smalls) and pulled back into the left lane at least four car lengths ahead of him but he was now locked into the left lane by cars in the right lane. I could see him in the rear view swaying to the far left side of the lane to keep an eye on me. I’m guessing he was hoping to eliminate one of the eyewitnesses to his idiotic act at Starbucks.

So dude got shot down by a sweety and then passed by a 50 year old in an eleven year old family SUV. One hour of pure entertainment.

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